Fun Stuff !!
A Repository of For All Sorts of
Nonsense, Silliness and More {or Less?!} ...
If there is any 'truth' in the notion that laughter is 'good medicine',
then these page should be 'Helpful' to all those in need!
Table of Nonsense
Laughter is the shortest distance between two people! - Victor Borge
Daffie-Nitions
Aquadextrous(ak
wa deks'trus)
adj. Possessing
the ability to turn
the bathtub tap on and off
with your toes.
Carpetuation
(kar'pur pet u a
shun) n. The act,
when vacuuming, of running over
a string or a
piece of lint
at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it,
then
putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
Disconfect
(dis kon fekt')
v. To
sterilize the piece of
confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor
by
blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
Elbonics
(el bon'iks) n.
The actions of
two people maneuvering for one
armrest in a movie
theater.
Frust
(frust) n. The
small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and
keeps
backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up
and sweep
it under the
rug.
Lactomangulation
(lak' to man gyu
lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open
here" spout on a milk
container
so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
Peppier (peph ee ay') n.
The waiter at
a fancy restaurant whose sole
purpose seems to be
walking around
asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.
Phonesia
(fo nee' zhuh) n.
The
affliction of dialing a phone
number and forgetting whom you
were calling
just as they answer.
Pupkus (pup'kus) n. The
moist residue left on a window after a Young Dog presses its nose to
it.
before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
Sunflower ~ Handpainted Mask,Manitoulin Island
© 2002-6 by SLaF & JVP, Cricket Hill ~The Digital Darkroom,
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If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer!
The Earth Is Full -- Go Home!!
I Have The Body Of A God ~ Buddha!
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening to Me!
Cleverly Disguised as a Responsible Adult!
The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name!
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway!
Illiterate? Write For Help!
Honk If Anything Falls Off!
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From the Next Exit!
Where Are We Going and Why Am I In This Handbasket?
It's Been Lovely, But I Have To Scream Now!!
I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere!
Remember Folks, Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed for 70mph.
Boldly Going Nowhere!
Heart Attacks... God's Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends!
How Many Roads Must a Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
Snowy Blanket,Manitoulin Island
© 2002-6 by SLaF & JVP, Cricket Hill ~The Digital Darkroom,
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Murphy's Laws .. Bettered!
Agnes Allen's Law: Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.
Military Laws: If it moves, salute it. If it doesn't
move, pick it up. If you can't
pick it up,
paint it.
Barth's Distinction:
There are two types of people:
those who divide people
into two types,
and those who don't.
Bartz's Law of Hokey
Horsepuckery: The more
ridiculous a belief system, the
higher the
probability of its success.
Baruch's Rule for Determining Old Age: Old age is always fifteen years older than I am.
Basic Law of Construction: Cut it large, force it into place and then use lots of big nails!
Becker's Law: It is much harder to find a job than to keep one.
Benchley's Law: Anyone can do any amount of work,
provided it isn't the work he
is
supposed to be doing at that moment.
Berra's Law: You can observe a lot just by watching.
Bicycle Law: All bicycles weigh 50 pounds: A
30-pound bicycle needs a 20-pound
lock
and chain. A 40-pound bicycle needs a 10-pound lock and chain. A
50-pound
bicycle
needs no lock or chain.
Boling's Postulate: If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
Bombeck's Rule of
Medicine: Never continue
to see a doctor whose office plants
have
died.
Boren's Laws of
Bureaucracy: 1. When in
doubt, mumble. 2. When in trouble,
delegate. 3.When in charge, ponder.
Borstelmann's Rule:
If everything seems to be coming
your way, you're probably
in
the wrong lane.
Bralek's Rule for
Success: Trust only those
who stand to lose as much as you do
when
things go wrong.
Brien's First Law:
At some time in the life cycle of
virtually every
organization, its
ability to succeed in spite of itself runs out.
Cannon's Comment: If you tell the boss you were late for
work because you had a
flat
tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
Captain Penny's Law: You can fool all of the people some of
the time, and some
of
the people all of the time, but you can't fool YourMom!
Cardinal Conundrum: An optimist believes we live in the
best of all possible
worlds.
A pessimist fears this is true.
Character and Appearance Law: People don't change; they only become more so.
Clarke's Law of
Revolutionary Ideas: Every
revolutionary idea -- in Science,
Politics, Art or Whatever -- evokes three stages of reaction. They may
be
summed
up by the three phrases: 1. “It is completely impossible -- don't waste
my time.”
2.“It is possible, but it is not worth doing.” 3. “I said it was a
good idea all along.”
Clarke's Third Law:
Any sufficiently advanced
technology is indistinguishable
from magic.
Cleveland's Highway Law:
Highways in the worst need
of repair naturally have
low traffic counts, which results in low priority for repair work.
Clyde's Law: If you have something to do, and you
put it off long enough,
chances
are someone else will do it.
Cohen's Law of Wisdom: Wisdom is considered a sign of weakness
by the power-
ful,
because a wise man can lead without power, but only a powerful man can
lead
without wisdom.
Cole's Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the
planet is a constant; only the
population is growing.
Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
Colvard's Logical
Premise: All probabilities
are 50%. Either a thing will
happen,
or it won't.
Commoner's Three Laws of
Ecology: 1.No action is
without side-effects. 2.No-
thing ever goes away. 3.There is no free lunch.
Cooper's Law: All machines are amplifiers.
Dieter's Law: The food that tastes the best has the highest number of calories.
Displaced Hassle
Principle: To beat the
bureaucracy, make your problem their
problem.
Ducharm's Axiom: If you view your problem closely
enough, you will recognize
yourself as part of the problem.
Dykstra's Law: Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Edelstein's Advice:
Don't worry over what other people
are thinking about you.
They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
Ehrlich's Rule: The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
Ettorre's Observation: The
other line moves faster. Corollary: Don't try to
change
lines. The other line - the one you were in originally - will then
move faster.
Farber's Third Law: We're all going down the same road in different directions!
Finagle's Laws of
Information: 1. The
information you have is not what you
want.
2. The information you want is not what you need. 3. The information
you
need is
not what you can obtain. 4. The information you can obtain costs more
than you
want to pay.
Finnigan's Law: The farther away the future is, the better it looks.
usually leads without wisdom.
Nature's Art-Work,Manitoulin Island
© 2002-6 by SLaF & JVP, Cricket Hill ~The Digital Darkroom,
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If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes.
That way, if he
gets angry,
he'll be a mile way - and barefoot.
Going to church doesn't make you a holy person, any
more
than going to a
garage
makes you a mechanic.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room, several times, with a glance.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
It is easier to receive forgiveness than permission.
I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.
A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel good.
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway!
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes, or the laundry!
© 2002-6 by SLaF, Cricket Hill ~The Digital Darkroom,
A pun is its own reword!
A
basketball player and a
jockey just robbed the bank. Police are looking high and low.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
He drove his expensive car into a tree, and found out how the Mercedes bends.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
A boiled egg in the
morning is hard to beat.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
It's better to love a short girl than not a tall.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
Show me someone in denial and I'll show you a person in Egypt up to their ankles.
I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.
The man who fell into an
upholstery machine is fully recovered.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
The best way to stop a charging bull is to take away his credit card.
There was a ghost at the hotel, so they called for an inn spectre.
In democracy its your vote that counts. In feudalism its your count that votes.
Old power plant workers never die, they just de-generate.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
He wears glasses during math because it improves divison.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Talking to her about computer hardware, I make my mother board.
A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.
Some Spanish government employees are Seville servants.
Somebody was running a flea circus, but a dog came and stole the show.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
How do you make antifreeze? Steal her blanket.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
If you give some managers an inch they think they're a ruler.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When the electricity went off during a storm at a school, the students were de-lighted.
If you step onto a plane and recognize a friend of yours named Jack, don't yell out 'Hi Jack!'
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was ticketed for littering.
A test-tube baby has a womb with a view.
He liked to study infectious diseases. It was in his blood.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
He couldn't decide whether to accept a job in mattress sales, so he decided to sleep on it.
Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
Working as an elevator operator has its ups and downs.
The short fortune-teller, who escaped from prison, was a small medium at large.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
There was once a cross-eyed teacher, who couldn't control his pupils.
A small boy swallowed some
coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother
telephoned to ask how
he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.
The one who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize.
Ancient orators tended to Babylon.
It wasn't school John disliked, it was just the principal of it.
Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.
When the waiter was asked
if crabs were served in his restauraunt he replied - oh yes
... we serve
anybody!
Math teachers have lots of problems.
Some people don't like food going to waist.
A tatoo artist has designs on his clients.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix, so don't drink and derive.
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
Some people's noses and feet are build backwards: their feet smell and their noses run.
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
He avoided funerals because he was not a mourning person.
When chemists die, we barium.
An office with many people and few electrical outlets could be in for a power struggle.
Tennis players don't marry because Love means Nothing to them.
When the waiter spilled a drink on his shirt, he said, "This one is on me!"
Driving on so many turnpikes was taking its toll.
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours, and it taint mine.
Successful dieters might win the No-belly prize.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
She was only a whisky
maker, but he loved her still.
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Unique Silo, Up-Close,Manitoulin Island
© 2002-6 by SLaF & JVP, Cricket Hill ~The Digital Darkroom,
According to a new study, a good laugh may not only lift your mood, but can make you more cooperative and altruistic towards strangers!
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