Bath ~ This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves.
You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

Bicycles ~ Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To
get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark
loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the
bushes and you prance away, proudly!

Bump ~  The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a
fresh cup of tea or coffee.

Deafness ~ This is a malady that affects dogs when their person wants them in
and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then
running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

Dog Bed ~ Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room,
or the newly upholstered sofa in the living room.

Drool ~ Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this
properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to
the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

Goose Bump ~ A manoeuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump
doesn't get the attention you require....especially effective when combined with
The Sniff.
Lean ~ Every good dog's response to the command "sit !", especially if your
person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

Leash ~ A strap that attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person
where you want him/her to go.

Love ~ Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The
best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human
will love you in return.

Rubbish Bin ~ A container that your neighbours put out once a week to test
your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off
with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers
to shred, beef bones to consume and mouldy crusts of bread.

Sniff ~ A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as
close as you can to the other Dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several
times, or until your person makes you stop.

Sofas ~ Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run
up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

Thunder ~ This is a signal that the world is coming to an End~ Humans
remain amazingly calm during Thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn
them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes
wildly, and following at their heels.

Waste Basket ~ This is a Dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old
sweet wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the
papers all over the house until your person comes home.

 

                         © 2002-06 by Paul Batman & Family
                                                     All Rights Reserved

The Jokes On ... !!

            Cosmo & Spirit ~ McLean's Mountain, Manitoulin Island

                    © 2002 by SLaF,  Cricket Hill ~The Digital Darkroom,
                   Original Digital Photography, All Rights Reserved

Glenn took his dog to the veterinary clinic, and laid its limp body on the table.
The doctor pulled out his stethoscope, listened to the dog's chest for a moment,
then shook his head sadly. "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."

"What?" Glenn screamed. "You haven't even done any tests! I want another
opinion."

The vet left the room and returned in a few moments with a Labrador Retriever.
The Retriever sniffed the dog on the table carefully from head to toe. Finally, the
Retriever shook it's head and barked once (meaning "dead and gone").

The vet took the Labrador away and returned a few minutes later with a Cat, which
also sniffed carefully over the dog on the table before shaking its head and saying,
"Meow" (meaning "he's gone").

After the cat jumped off the table, the vet handed Glenn a bill for $600. The man
shook the bill at the vet. "$600!!!! Just to tell me my dog is dead?!!! That's
outrageous!"

The vet explained. "If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been
$50, but with the Lab Work and the Cat Scan...."

Entering a little Country Store, a stranger noticed a sign that read,
"Danger! Beware of DOG!"

Inside, he saw a Harmless Old Pooch sound asleep on the floor near the cash
register. He asked the owner, "Is that the Dog folks are supposed to Beware of?"

"Yep," the owner answered. "That's him alright."

The stranger couldn't help being amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a
dangerous Dog to me," he said with a chuckle. "Why did you decide to post
that sign?"

"Because," the stoekeeper replied, "before I posted it, people kept tripping-over
the Poor Ol' Fella!"